Two Years Ago Today

Ah, Jesus. What can I say that I haven’t already said? How can I express all this?

Two years ago today, October 22nd, 2018, we lost our sweet little girl, Faith Elisa Gager. She was 17 weeks, 5 days old and weighed 7 ounces. She had my hands and feet. [I’ve always liked my hands especially; at the risk of sounding vain, I have long fingers and pretty fingernails, and I think she would have too.] She was too young for eye color or hair color, but I like to think she would have had blue eyes like both of us. She would’ve probably had lighter-colored, curly hair with some texture to it, since both my husband and I were blonde babies, we both have curly hair, and my husband is 1/4 Black. I wanted her to look like her beautiful daddy. I picked her first name, Faith, for my Grandma, and my husband came up with Elisa on the way home from our 12 week ultrasound.

I have photos; forgive me, I can’t share them. I haven’t looked at them in over a year. The nurse worked so hard to get good photos of Faith at the hospital, and my sister sent me some from her phone as well. We were blessed, pre-COVID, to be able to have support people in the room with us. [I can’t imagine having to lose your baby all alone in the hospital, as I know one of my friends has since the pandemic started. My God, I would die.]

Even if I could look at her pictures, I don’t think I would share them, to be honest. I have friends who have photos of their lost baby, born at exactly Faith’s age, and are able to have one displayed in their house. Everyone does their grieving differently. I am selfish with my photos–Faith was MY baby, and only we get to see her as she was. I both do and don’t apologize for that. This is how I’m grieving. I am Smaug the dragon, except my hoard is photos of my babies and not gold stolen from dwarves who will take 3 movies to get it back. [It’s a good thing I can’t breathe fire because grief will make you TESTY, and I have been TESTY for two years now, it’s been a real laugh riot.]

Faith was our miracle baby. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which causes hormone imbalances, weight gain, high cholesterol, and an increased chance of diabetes, heart disease, and certain cancers. It affects my appearance, my moods, and my fertility. Faith was the baby we had hoped for and took three years to actually conceive. She was a complete surprise, and a complete blessing. Her life was the biggest and best thing I had ever done. She lived for just over four months, and she changed our lives forever. She was, and is, our firstborn.

She has been gone two years today. Sometimes, as I do chores or watch TV or do school, I think about how difficult doing all those things would be with a little girl who would be 19 months old right now if she’d lived, and wow, I don’t even care, because even though I’m the queen of avoiding inconvenience I don’t think she would ever be inconvenient to us. She would be chatty, and blue-eyed, and completely, utterly loved. But some things don’t change with death and loss. No matter what, she’s still completely, utterly loved.

Happy birthday, Faithie. Mama and Daddy love you.