Signs, Portents, and Pills

I’m not much for omens. I don’t believe in astrology or psychics, hauntings or fairies. I don’t believe that the planets influence my future or the time of year I was born dictates my personality. I don’t think that black cats are unlucky, though walking under ladders seems like a good way to get hurt on a project site.

However, in maudlin moments, I’m reminded of the old rhyme: One for sorrow, two for joy…

Once when I was in Japan with the Air Force, I was walking into work on a dark, overcast morning. It was a morning like any other, slightly depressing weather maybe, but normal. As I was crossing the street, a huge black raven swooped near me and landed on a street sign. I heard its claws scrape on the metal as it perched. I cringed and immediately recognized how almost cartoonishly ominous the whole scenario was, and then went inside and told my buddies about it.

One for sorrow…

I don’t believe that crow was a foreshadowing of losing my babies. It’s just something I think about sometimes. One for sorrow…I wish it had been two. I wanted [I want] joy.

A few very good things have happened lately:

Spring is suddenly here and we’ve had several 60-degree days in a row. The crocuses are blooming, and I’m buying flower and veggie seeds for this year’s garden.

I’ve started on antidepressants. I emailed my doctor and she wrote me a prescription immediately. It might be too soon for it to take effect [generally it’s 4-6 weeks] but so far I think they’re helping. Maybe it’s just the placebo effect, but I feel better, so whatever. I hate the feeling that I need pills to get through life, but for now I think it’s a good idea. I don’t want to take them forever or anything, maybe just a few months and then see how I feel.

We’re closing on a new house in the country in less than two weeks! We’re also closing the same day on our present house, and we’re very excited. [My husband is at this moment cleaning out the basement in preparation for the move.]

My medical bills from the miscarriage were deeply [deeply] discounted due to our financial situation. Everyone has been paid, and we paid off our car as well!

We’re debt-free and getting ready to move to the country, to live in a house that needs no repairs and has nearly a half acre. There are so many good things happening!

I’m grateful for the good things. I have a very wistful feeling that perhaps this new chapter God is allowing in our lives is a sign that we’re done trying to have children, but I don’t know. Maybe this is the step forward to new dreams, and there will be no more babies. I don’t have a way to forecast that, though. I’m just going to listen to the spring bird songs, do my schoolwork, and be grateful for the good things.

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