joysarecomingfast

The loneliness of sustained grief

There comes a time in the course of loss when you stop hearing from people. It’s inevitable, but eventually people stop texting or calling. They forget the days your life stopped. Anniversaries of your loss go unremembered by anyone but you and perhaps a select, close few. Eventually, your grief becomes solely yours, and that’sContinue reading “The loneliness of sustained grief”

A New Place

We’ve moved into the country; we now live in a land of rednecks and Amish. The other night we saw a cop for the first time in months; the local pizza joint is the hub of the community; I have to drive 20 minutes to buy a cup of coffee or go to a thriftContinue reading “A New Place”

Longing

I’ve been worried that the antidepressants are numbing me to my emotions, and that I’m using chemicals to silence my grief. However, yesterday made me realize that, no, I’m still actively grieving. I listen to YouTube while I write papers. I’m too cheap to pay for music, and the ads I have to listen toContinue reading “Longing”

Signs, Portents, and Pills

I’m not much for omens. I don’t believe in astrology or psychics, hauntings or fairies. I don’t believe that the planets influence my future or the time of year I was born dictates my personality. I don’t think that black cats are unlucky, though walking under ladders seems like a good way to get hurtContinue reading “Signs, Portents, and Pills”

Self Protection and Motherhood

Well I hope that I don’t fall in love with youCause fallin’ in love just makes me blue…. I began my third pregnancy with a marked sense of detachment. I thought I was doing myself a favor. I think it was inevitable that both my husband and I said “well, we’ll see.” Two losses areContinue reading “Self Protection and Motherhood”

Depression

Today is Valentine’s Day, a day for love and romance and happiness. My husband and I are currently sitting in the living room: he’s texting our realtor, I’m writing this post. We’re in contract on our house, but we have nowhere to go as yet. My anxiety is warring with my sense of numbness. AContinue reading “Depression”

A Name

I am in the process of trying to name our lost baby. It’s not a task I take on with joy, or a sense of certainty. My husband isn’t ready to talk about names, and I suppose neither am I. I want to give our baby a good, strong name–something with dignity and meaning. IContinue reading “A Name”

The Worst Thing To Be Thankful For

Friday night my doctor called me. She’s pretty cool, and has been my doctor since before Elijah. She knows what we’ve been through and I know she hurts for us too. It’s very strange for my doctor to be about my own age–sometimes it just reminds me of all I could have done and haven’tContinue reading “The Worst Thing To Be Thankful For”

Equilibrium

Yesterday my sister and I were texting. How are you? she asked.Today I’m sad, I replied.Do you want to talk about it?I don’t know. There’s nothing to say. It is what it is, I wrote back. I remember, when I was younger especially, how much I hated that phrase it is what it is. ToContinue reading “Equilibrium”

8 Days Later

I had hoped to let this blog be an instrument of healing for myself and others, a way to process my grief over my first two babies and try to move forward. Unfortunately, agonizingly, I am forced to live a different grief for another baby, and you’ll see it unspool in real time. I hadContinue reading “8 Days Later”