Well I hope that I don’t fall in love with youCause fallin’ in love just makes me blue…. I began my third pregnancy with a marked sense of detachment. I thought I was doing myself a favor. I think it was inevitable that both my husband and I said “well, we’ll see.” Two losses areContinue reading “Self Protection and Motherhood”
Author Archives: joysarecomingfast
Depression
Today is Valentine’s Day, a day for love and romance and happiness. My husband and I are currently sitting in the living room: he’s texting our realtor, I’m writing this post. We’re in contract on our house, but we have nowhere to go as yet. My anxiety is warring with my sense of numbness. AContinue reading “Depression”
A Name
I am in the process of trying to name our lost baby. It’s not a task I take on with joy, or a sense of certainty. My husband isn’t ready to talk about names, and I suppose neither am I. I want to give our baby a good, strong name–something with dignity and meaning. IContinue reading “A Name”
The Worst Thing To Be Thankful For
Friday night my doctor called me. She’s pretty cool, and has been my doctor since before Elijah. She knows what we’ve been through and I know she hurts for us too. It’s very strange for my doctor to be about my own age–sometimes it just reminds me of all I could have done and haven’tContinue reading “The Worst Thing To Be Thankful For”
Equilibrium
Yesterday my sister and I were texting. How are you? she asked.Today I’m sad, I replied.Do you want to talk about it?I don’t know. There’s nothing to say. It is what it is, I wrote back. I remember, when I was younger especially, how much I hated that phrase it is what it is. ToContinue reading “Equilibrium”
8 Days Later
I had hoped to let this blog be an instrument of healing for myself and others, a way to process my grief over my first two babies and try to move forward. Unfortunately, agonizingly, I am forced to live a different grief for another baby, and you’ll see it unspool in real time. I hadContinue reading “8 Days Later”
Our Third Loss
I’m not sure I should be writing this post so soon, while I’m still such a mess, but here goes. On December 9th, I took a pregnancy test. We were trying to get ready to move, our stuff was almost completely packed, we were in contract on a new house, and it was the dayContinue reading “Our Third Loss”
Memories Are Tricky
If you’re in the fog of grief, it can seem like far, far too much of your brain is tied up in screaming. You’re trying to eat, sleep, maybe go to work or the grocery store, talk to people like a functioning adult, and all that takes place against a constant buzz of loss.“How areContinue reading “Memories Are Tricky”
My Brain and Trauma/Grief
I never understood trauma before I entered into it. Of course, I understood how loss could be traumatic, and that horrible pain existed in the world, but I hadn’t experienced it for myself. It’s difficult to remember a lot of things about my losses–my brain has obscured a lot of those memories just for self-defense.Continue reading “My Brain and Trauma/Grief”
Self-Blame and Grief
I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I’m an ISFJ and an Enneagram 6: I’m responsible and [generally] kind; I like security and stability and strive to provide those things for others. I love babies. I think I’d be good at being a mom. PLOT TWIST: I am bad at becoming a mom. I haveContinue reading “Self-Blame and Grief”
