grief – Joys Are Coming Fast

Signs, Portents, and Pills

I’m not much for omens. I don’t believe in astrology or psychics, hauntings or fairies. I don’t believe that the planets influence my future or the time of year I was born dictates my personality. I don’t think that black cats are unlucky, though walking under ladders seems like a good way to get hurtContinue reading “Signs, Portents, and Pills”

Self Protection and Motherhood

Well I hope that I don’t fall in love with youCause fallin’ in love just makes me blue…. I began my third pregnancy with a marked sense of detachment. I thought I was doing myself a favor. I think it was inevitable that both my husband and I said “well, we’ll see.” Two losses areContinue reading “Self Protection and Motherhood”

The Worst Thing To Be Thankful For

Friday night my doctor called me. She’s pretty cool, and has been my doctor since before Elijah. She knows what we’ve been through and I know she hurts for us too. It’s very strange for my doctor to be about my own age–sometimes it just reminds me of all I could have done and haven’tContinue reading “The Worst Thing To Be Thankful For”

Equilibrium

Yesterday my sister and I were texting. How are you? she asked.Today I’m sad, I replied.Do you want to talk about it?I don’t know. There’s nothing to say. It is what it is, I wrote back. I remember, when I was younger especially, how much I hated that phrase it is what it is. ToContinue reading “Equilibrium”

8 Days Later

I had hoped to let this blog be an instrument of healing for myself and others, a way to process my grief over my first two babies and try to move forward. Unfortunately, agonizingly, I am forced to live a different grief for another baby, and you’ll see it unspool in real time. I hadContinue reading “8 Days Later”

Our Third Loss

I’m not sure I should be writing this post so soon, while I’m still such a mess, but here goes. On December 9th, I took a pregnancy test. We were trying to get ready to move, our stuff was almost completely packed, we were in contract on a new house, and it was the dayContinue reading “Our Third Loss”

Memories Are Tricky

If you’re in the fog of grief, it can seem like far, far too much of your brain is tied up in screaming. You’re trying to eat, sleep, maybe go to work or the grocery store, talk to people like a functioning adult, and all that takes place against a constant buzz of loss.“How areContinue reading “Memories Are Tricky”

Self-Blame and Grief

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I’m an ISFJ and an Enneagram 6: I’m responsible and [generally] kind; I like security and stability and strive to provide those things for others. I love babies. I think I’d be good at being a mom. PLOT TWIST: I am bad at becoming a mom. I haveContinue reading “Self-Blame and Grief”

The Holidays

2020 has been a real rollercoaster. A lot of people have been so adversely affected by COVID-19 that anything else I have to say on the subject is really unnecessary; suffice it to say, I think most of us will be glad to sit quietly on the couch with a glass of wine and toastContinue reading “The Holidays”

Grief, Loss, and Intolerable Growth

“I walked a mile with Pleasure;She chatted all the way;But left me none the wiser,For all she had to say. I walked a mile with Sorrow,And ne’er a word said she;But, oh! The things I learned from her,When Sorrow walked with me.”–Robert Browning Hamilton I find this poem to be very true. My life beforeContinue reading “Grief, Loss, and Intolerable Growth”