pregnancy loss – Joys Are Coming Fast

A Name

I am in the process of trying to name our lost baby. It’s not a task I take on with joy, or a sense of certainty. My husband isn’t ready to talk about names, and I suppose neither am I. I want to give our baby a good, strong name–something with dignity and meaning. IContinue reading “A Name”

Equilibrium

Yesterday my sister and I were texting. How are you? she asked.Today I’m sad, I replied.Do you want to talk about it?I don’t know. There’s nothing to say. It is what it is, I wrote back. I remember, when I was younger especially, how much I hated that phrase it is what it is. ToContinue reading “Equilibrium”

8 Days Later

I had hoped to let this blog be an instrument of healing for myself and others, a way to process my grief over my first two babies and try to move forward. Unfortunately, agonizingly, I am forced to live a different grief for another baby, and you’ll see it unspool in real time. I hadContinue reading “8 Days Later”

Our Third Loss

I’m not sure I should be writing this post so soon, while I’m still such a mess, but here goes. On December 9th, I took a pregnancy test. We were trying to get ready to move, our stuff was almost completely packed, we were in contract on a new house, and it was the dayContinue reading “Our Third Loss”

Memories Are Tricky

If you’re in the fog of grief, it can seem like far, far too much of your brain is tied up in screaming. You’re trying to eat, sleep, maybe go to work or the grocery store, talk to people like a functioning adult, and all that takes place against a constant buzz of loss.“How areContinue reading “Memories Are Tricky”

Two Years Ago Today

Ah, Jesus. What can I say that I haven’t already said? How can I express all this? Two years ago today, October 22nd, 2018, we lost our sweet little girl, Faith Elisa Gager. She was 17 weeks, 5 days old and weighed 7 ounces. She had my hands and feet. [I’ve always liked my handsContinue reading “Two Years Ago Today”

Joys Are Coming Fast: An Intro

Hello! A few things up front: This blog isn’t meant to be anything deeply insightful or fancy; this blog is about grief and my journey through it. If you’re reading this because you’re a kind and lovely irl friend, thanks. If you’re reading this because at 2:30 in the morning you googled “how to surviveContinue reading “Joys Are Coming Fast: An Intro”